“How do you know you’re not just a straight girl?”

This is something that we ask ourselves a lot, and that others ask us too. Which is stupid, because deep down we all know that sexuality isn’t gender, and gender isn’t bodies. It’s like being in a production of Macbeth, where you’ve been given the part of Lady Macbeth when you actually wanted to be Duncan. Sure, you’re still in the play, but… it’s not the part you rehearsed for.

I remember being in my early 20’s and wondering why, when I found myself in the company of a guy I found attractive, I would act more masculine. I didn’t stick my ass out and squish my boobs together and giggle a lot. I squared my shoulders and lifted heavy things and took up space to impress him (even though I consciously knew it wouldn’t work), and even more “dude”s and “man”s and f-bombs flew out of my mouth than normal. For some reason my animal brain was convinced that men were attracted to masculinity because was attracted to masculinity, and it was a lot of work to uncross those wires and learn to be feminine when I wanted a guy to like me. Fortunately for me, I’ve discovered that those wires weren’t, in fact, crossed – I was just trying to pick up straight men like a gay dude would try to pick up another dude. Where the fuck did I learn that trick? Right, because I’m actually a guy.

Straight girls don’t act like that. Straight girls don’t downplay their secondary sex characteristics when they’re trying to flirt. They are never under the erroneous impression that straight men are attracted to masculinity. They don’t want to have sex like they’re a couple of army corporals off in the Pacific theater of WW2 sharing a rack. They just don’t.

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4 responses to ““How do you know you’re not just a straight girl?””

  1. voltairine says :

    Well, I’m a straight woman, and I have preferred sex like “a couple of army corporals off in the Pacific theater of WW2 sharing a rack” for over 30 years. I think you have some preconceived notions about what “straight girls” are. We’re a diverse group. Some of us are invisible but we are still out there. I’ve only ever had sex with straight men. I don’t feel a thing for women other than to be able to look at them and tell that they’re pretty and that men will think they’re pretty, but I am not sexually attracted to them; they do not get me hot the way men do.

    I was a total tomboy growing up — always running around, climbing trees, playing with the boys. Puberty was a nightmare: all of a sudden I had to stop being a tomboy and become more “girlie” (at which I am almost a total failure and have been since junior high). I was also painfully shy and even when I got past that, I was never socially aggressive. Nevertheless, despite my late blooming, at 18 (in 1986) when I finally had a boyfriend, I wanted to use my vibrator on my him. After some experimentation, he let me, and it blew his fucking mind. After that we almost always incorporated it into sex. It just became a thing I wanted to do with *all* my boyfriends (not all of whom would agree). By my late 20s, I finally got a strap-on. It was always 100% consensual and enjoyable for both of us every single time.

    It’s true, I’ve never downplayed my breasts in meeting men. But for most of my adult life I haven’t had painted nails or permed hair or worn dresses or skirts (I hate dresses) . I don’t wear fake nails or fake eyelashes, I haven’t had my eyebrows groomed or gone to salons and day spas. I was just my jeans and T-shirt self, most of the time. Yet still I had guys hitting on me anyway, so clearly all that artifice is not necessary to attract men.

    Now I’ve both been banged like a screen door in a hurricane, and I have also banged men that way. Not 100% of the time, but a lot of the time (basically, whenever possible, LOL!). There’s nothing about any of the aforementioned that I consider antithetical to my straight female sexuality. I enjoy my clitoris/vagina and breasts very much during het sex — as have my het male lovers. I don’t want to get rid of those parts of me and I don’t dislike my body or feel uncomfortable in it (well, I do, but because of the weight I’ve gained, not because of it’s female aspect)… I just really wish I *also* had a cock for fucking men sometimes. There are a surprising number of het men who are not only okay with that, but looking for women to fuck them with a strap on. Who knew?

    Does all this make me *not* a straight female? I don’t know. I feel pretty hetero; guys are really sexy to me… their hands, their forearms, their chest hair (too many of them shave it all off!), their arm muscles, their butts. I can’t stop looking at them even when I’m in a relationship, though I try not to be obvious and creepy about ogling other men. I was 100% faithful to my ex throughout our entire 10 year relationship. I only have sex with hetero males and I was born female, so… What else could I be considered, a female hermaphrodite wannabe?

    IDK. All I know is, I like it, and so did/do they. So maybe straight female and straight male sexuality isn’t entirely what you think it is. It’s probably like a bell curve — most straight women are like what you think… but some of us are in the narrow sides of the bell curve, doing funky yet still heterosexual stuff. So what does that make me? And what does it make the men I was having sex with? Are they *not* heterosexual men because I fucked them with a strap-on? Am I not a heterosexual woman because I fucked them with a strap-on, even if I later got screwed the usual p-in-v way? How do we determine sexuality — by the gender of the people we’re attracted to, or by the sexual acts in which we engage, or the sexual acts *and* the gender of the people? I don’t know the answers to these questions and they’re rhetorical anyway, but I think human sexuality is far wider and more varied than even sex researchers know.

    • Keen says :

      I’m not sure how you found this blog, or if you’ve read any of my other posts, or have any context for this because it sounds like you zeroed in on this one thing and soapbox’d the fuck out of it.

      I mean, that’s great you’ve had a lot of the sex you want to have. Really. But I kind of know how straight women have sex – I had sex as a straight woman for 10 years. And I know a lot of straight women who have the kind of sex you do, because I’ve been in the kink scene in some capacity for just as long. So it’s really not a revelation. But go you. Really.

      However, this post isn’t about you. This post is about me, and about a felt sense that I and other gay men have about what sex between two men is and how it’s often different from het sex, and that understanding is about way more than that there are two ‘Tab A’s. This is a post about me trying to describe what that feeling is like. It’s imperfect, and it does not do the feeling justice at all, really.

      But that doesn’t matter, you’ve taken a pretty benign post, blown it out of proportion, made it about you, and almost completely erased the entire context of what was being said. Bravo. Het sex front and center, once again.

      • voltairine says :

        I apologize. I stumbled on this blog post via a fanfic tag search (not via Google — I used duckduckgo.com because it doesn’t track your searches, but it does sometimes have weird results I am at a loss to explain). Then I read the post with great interest because it sounded so familiar to me. I really did not mean to make it about me or about het sex. I’m sorry.

        Compartmentalization of sexualities, genders, and sexual behavior seems to be a big part of the problem though. I may be completely wrong about that, but how to explain the orgasms experienced by vagina-owning strap-on users in the absence of clit stim or v-penetration, due solely to the pelvic pumping action of a strap-on? There is supposed to be no physiological reason for that — no direct stim of sexual parts — yet it happens. Yet another mystery sex research has yet to explain.

        What I did a poor job of getting to thanks to my ADD and tendency to go way off on tangents was what struck a chord with me: your mentioning the struggle of uncrossing wires to “act more feminine” in order to pick up guys vs the total naturalness of acting more masculine around guys you were attracted to. Bingo. It’s hard to “act feminine” for those to whom it does not come naturally — obviously you (but also me).

        I just thought that it seems you and I have far more in common than I have with “straight girls” even though, from a very technical standpoint, I’m a cis straight woman. How do I know I’m not a ‘normal’ “straight girl”? Well, mainly because they have told me I’m not. To my face. Repeatedly. From grammar school all the way through adulthood. If I am one of them, as you say, I am one they have refused to admit to their group for decades, out on the fringe on my own.

        I was simply trying to comment on a commonality I thought we shared, where on a spectrum of gender/sexuality, you and I would be far closer to each other than I ever would with women who flip their hair and bat their eyes and go to the bathroom/”powder their nose” in groups and would never dream of fucking a man w/a strap-on or having him suck their “cock.” Having been told by them that I am not one of them, I figured I am not. The irony of being told I *am* by someone who also isn’t one of them isn’t lost on me, though I did such a poor job of explaining all this in my last reply d/t going off on a sex tangent, it’s completely understandable. I apologize for confusing the issue.

        Some in academia (sociology, women’s studies for example) say that these things (gender) are socially constructed. Others say they are physiological (neurology, neuroendocrinology), or derived from experiences which individual but common to an entire group possessing the same physical parts.The point is that the paradigm of social construction of gender and sexuality can’t explain why certain gendered behaviors (whether nonsexual, such as behaving “more feminine” or “more masculine” around attractive guys, or sexual, such as specific sexual acts) feel inherently physically wrong — or inherently physically *right*! — to some individuals, especially individuals lacking the body parts for specific physical sexual acts presumed to be the domain of only one gender.

        I’m sorry my comment digressed down a sexual tangent wrt WW2 soldier-like banging such that these aspects were not discussed. I apologize — my ADD gets the best of me sometimes (also why I am too verbose, sorry about that too).

        If one can completely feel the naturalness of standing while a guy kneels and sucks one’s cock, keeping a hand on the back of his head, fucking his mouth, and the only thing that feels unnatural about that is the fact that… one doesn’t have an actual cock to be sucked, and can’t feel the sexual sensation of being sucked, but *everything* else about the act feels not only completely normal and natural, but like one was *born* to do this… what is that? I don’t know. Ask straight girls and straight guys, and they will not call it straight sex. Ask 1,000 cis and trans people what they would call that… and seems unlikely they’d call it straight sex.

        More likely it would be labeled kink. Okay, that makes sense — *now*. But isn’t this only due to the proliferation of Internet porn? Were the question to be asked of 1,000 cis and trans people circa 1983, when there was no Internet porn, only a proliferation of VHS porn — what would the answer be then? It still wouldn’t be straight sex, but what *would* the answer be? Interesting to speculate.

        Having had a few bdsm LTRs, I can state unequivocally that the interior experience of the suckee in that scenario is not the same as being the domme in bdsm. The naturalness of the feeling of standing and having someone kneel sucking your ‘cock’… it feels very old. The longing for sensation in the ‘cock’ is deep, almost phantom, while the rest of the posture, the motion, the action feels like… weirdly ancient muscle memory… like something I’ve done for hundreds of, or maybe a thousand, years. (As it is with the physical act of strap-on fucking.)

        That’s not my experience of bdsm. While bdsm is enjoyable, doing bdsm never once felt like some weird core part of me had been doing it forever. It required learning; it required practice; it was perhaps a natural *headspace* in some aspects (domme anyway). But the physical acts never had that “I was born for this” sensation.

        The closest description is, it’s like being taken over by a strong physical deja vu of a previous life… a previous life as a man… as a gay man. Because it’s always a thick muscled neck in my hand. Always a stubbly or whiskery cheek and jaw in my other hand, not a smooth-skinned, soft cheek. And everything comes completely naturally although it is a physical action with a body part I do not naturally possess and never have. At least, not in this lifetime.

        I thought you might be able to relate to that. But I lost my train of thought in the last comment and went down a rabbit hole of strap-on sex which, for lack of a better place to categorize it, I placed on the skinny (aggressive outlier?) end of the bell curve of ‘straight girl’ sex because it *technically* (because of my parts and my partners’ parts and no dysphoria or intention to transition on my part) defaults to ‘straight girl’ sex… though it probably really isn’t. Although I’m not sure what it is, besides kink. Except there’s nothing particularly kinky about it wrt there being no bondage or s&m. It’s just a bit dommy, but only if one thinks I wouldn’t get down on my knees and do the same to him. Which, why wouldn’t I?

        Again, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring any hetero-primacy to your space. I hope this is clearer. And wonder if you can relate.

        Also, have you read Jack (Judith) Halberstam’s book “Female Masculinity”? I just started it.

    • Keen says :

      You covered a lot of ground in your latest reply, so I’ll try to get to some of it.

      how to explain the orgasms experienced by vagina-owning strap-on users in the absence of clit stim or v-penetration, due solely to the pelvic pumping action of a strap-on? There is supposed to be no physiological reason for that — no direct stim of sexual parts — yet it happens. Yet another mystery sex research has yet to explain.

      I think it really just comes down to the brain being the biggest erogenous “zone” in the body. And that erogenous zone is capable of many an amazing thing.

      I just thought that it seems you and I have far more in common than I have with “straight girls” even though, from a very technical standpoint, I’m a cis straight woman.

      It’s funny, the most social gatekeeping I ever endured was with women. It’s been a long time since I gave a crap what anyone else says, but that doesn’t undo the special kind of vitriol women suffer at the hands of other women.

      More likely it would be labeled kink. Okay, that makes sense — *now*. But isn’t this only due to the proliferation of Internet porn? Were the question to be asked of 1,000 cis and trans people circa 1983, when there was no Internet porn, only a proliferation of VHS porn — what would the answer be then? It still wouldn’t be straight sex, but what *would* the answer be? Interesting to speculate.

      Kink in its modern incarnation has been around since the post-war era – specifically the leather community of gay veterans-turned-bikers. It’s been a big deal for many a decade to be sure. Not as commonly understood as it is now by a long shot, but there was definitely a big, thriving scene in the 80’s. I’m not sure what the language at the time would have described you as; I wasn’t there lol. I still wouldn’t consider it 100% straight, but that’s your sex to have so it’s not my job to call it anything. Though it does seem on the queerer side to me.

      Having had a few bdsm LTRs, I can state unequivocally that the interior experience of the suckee in that scenario is not the same as being the domme in bdsm. The naturalness of the feeling of standing and having someone kneel sucking your ‘cock’… it feels very old.

      For you it’s a natural extension of your body. For me, I’m finding, it’s a natural extension waiting to be tapped into. Though for me BDSM is just as natural an expression for me as my masculinity, whether I plan on topping or bottoming. (I expect to be vers/a switch once I’ve got my ducks in a row.) But my masculinity doesn’t hinge on having a cock either – another important distinction.

      Again, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring any hetero-primacy to your space. I hope this is clearer. And wonder if you can relate.

      Also, have you read Jack (Judith) Halberstam’s book “Female Masculinity”? I just started it.

      Thank you for clarifying, and I can relate a little, though I’ve identified as a bottom/submissive my entire life and only just recently started thinking of myself as a top when I realized that I was transmasc. It was kind of a lightbulb “body positive” moment, where I realized I had it in me to be pushy and assertive and protective if I could do it without being read as “woman”.

      And I have not read that book – read some others, though, like ‘Nobody Passes’ and ‘Delusions of Gender’. They were important reads for me.

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