Things are Nuts

So a lot has happened recently. So much so that I’m just going to list them and maybe find the energy at a later date to break them down into complete thoughts.

  • Hysterectomy is booked! December 19th is the date.
  • Came out as trans to my mom in an email. She took it REALLY well.
  • I found myself having a public rant on FB, mostly addressed to family, about what is and isn’t OK to talk to me about regarding my hysterectomy. Apparently having this procedure done without having kids means that all boundaries break down and my bodily autonomy is completely up for debate. I felt it necessary to put my foot down. Fortunately, everyone (but my grandmother, for whom everything is about her) respected that.
  • Husband and I discovered that we were  both 100% OK with him getting some cam girl action from MyGirlFund. I want him to be able to have his sexual fun, even if that means without me. Honestly? That takes some pressure off of me haha. I told him that I want to be able to talk about his adventures with him, I want to know what kind of girls he ends up going with, and so on.
  • In return, he told me that I was allowed to bottom for other people (only women when he’s not around). I don’t see myself pursuing this option until I’m living with/near him, though. Dunno. Just not particularly interested in involving myself in a kink scene unless he’s readily available for topping, for learning, for support, whatever.
  • A journalist shot me an email last week, wanting to interview me for a piece she was writing about being Latinx and asexual. I should be speaking/chatting with her sometime this week.

Neither pity nor a fetish

Originally posted on a gentleman and a scholar:

Trans/cis relationships?

For a fair while I was pessimistic – running the gamut of ‘cis people confronted by trans object of desire’ will do that for you. The two main relationships of my life so far had broken down, in part, because the cis people I was with couldn’t hack the fact that their trans partner was, as stated before we even began dating, trans. I’d had chasers of all genders and orientations try it on, and a lot of ‘I’ve never been attracted to a [slur redacted] before, but you’re DIFFERENT’. And the inevitable ‘ask you out when they’re drunk, pretend it never happened when they’re sober’. I was sick and tired of it, and, while it saddened me to think of prejudging people, I could understand why some trans people decide to only date other trans people.

Fast forward a year and, as a few of you know…

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Take the AVEN survey

Originally posted on The Asexual Agenda:

I have a special announcement:

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) is performing a large-scale survey.

We are looking for any respondents who are part of the asexual spectrum, as well as people who are not part of the asexual spectrum. This survey includes some sensitive questions about sexual topics. Please distribute this announcement.

The survey is open for some time. Later, statistical results will be published, providing crucial information about the demographics and needs of asexual-spectrum people.

The survey can be accessed here.

For any inquiries, please see our FAQ, or e-mail

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Here goes everything

Originally posted on The Asexual Agenda:

This post was written for the August 2014 Carnival of Aces.  This month’s theme is “the Unassailable Asexual.”  You too can submit!

Trigger warnings: If you have any sexual violence-related triggers, please consider skipping this post.  Frank (although not explicit) discussion of sexual violence (including corrective rape) and associated emotional fallout, victim-blaming, invalidation, manipulation of survivors and their stories for political ends, and general suckiness ahead.  There should also be a blanket trigger warning for sexual violence for almost every link in this post.  If you think this needs additional warnings, please let me know.

I discovered the Wikipedia page for asexuality in January of 2008.  By September of the same year, I had PTSD.  These two facts are not unrelated.

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Quick Note on Colpocleisis

Completely forgot to do this sooner, but I really wanted to mention that I’d talked very briefly about the subject of colpocleisis in the context of gender affirmation with the surgeon who is going to be performing my hysterectomy.

Basically he said he would not recommend it for someone in my situation. I guess it’s rather difficult to perform if the patient hasn’t actually prolapsed yet, and that sealing up the vaginal canal makes possible procedures down the road more difficult to perform, like biopsies of pelvic organs/tissue and things like that since you can’t go through the vagina.

Now, given that other trans bottom surgeries are WAY more invasive and difficult than this, I’m going to personally chalk it up to there being zero literature or prior medial knowledge of the subject in the context of trans patients and bottom surgeries, so he wasn’t thinking about it from that angle like he was the hysterectomy. If I do seriously decide to pursue this at some point, then I’m probably going to need to get letters from therapists and talk to a number of doctors so that I can build a case for it.

But right now, I think this is the consensus.

“A Gender Not Listed Here”

Originally posted on janitorqueer:

I attended the Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference back in mid-June and wrote a summary of the workshops I made it to, but I left out the details of one workshop because I felt it warranted a post all to itself.  I stumbled into “A Gender Not Listed here” late Saturday afternoon, feeling a little bit drained, but excited about the topic, which was going to be a summary and discussion of an article that was published in April, 2012.  The information was based on findings of a study completed by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force and the National Center for Transgender Equality in 2008.  It surveyed 6,450 T-GNC-GQ  (transgender, gender non-conforming, genderqueer) individuals from all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the U.S. Virgin Islands.  It is by far the largest sample size of this population to date.

(The presenters commented that they got a lot of…

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I May Be Lith

I’ve been thinking recently that I may not actually be a gold-star ace–actually, I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time defending the fact that I’m not a gold-star ace and what’s it to you? for a while now–and for those with their noses buried in the community, not an ace at all. I’ve talked about all the ways that the asexual label has been useful to me in the time I’ve adopted it, I’ve talked about the nebulousness of “sexual attraction” and how, for me, it seems to be an easy and seductive way to mask my paraphilia and the way it informs how I understand intimacy.

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